So, I’ve Decided to Stay

It has been quite some time since my last post; for that, I apologize.  At this point, it should be quite clear to all of you that my quest to free myself from this shrinking and unstable world, has failed.  Something that henceforth shall be known as gravity, is forcing my body to invert itself.  At this point, I have no recourse;  I am trapped in an inverted position, with little room to move.

 Many of you might think this is absolute torture.  In fact, for the past nine months, that would be an accurate depiction of my feelings on the matter.  For nine months, I have watched my roomy space tighten and shrink.  Over that time my movements have become quite restricted, and a feeling of claustrophobia set in.  For those of you who lack my vast vocabulary, claustrophobia is an abnormal fear of being in enclosed or narrow places.  Those who lack my ability to adapt, might go quite mad.  Instead of living in a crippled state of fear, I have worked adversity.  In the past few weeks, I have grown to understand my situation. Yes, I am trapped here.  Yes, there is no way out,  I no longer fear this place.  In fact, my claustrophobia has manifested itself into an agoraphobic state of mind.   

 I have no idea what I would face on the outside.  Based on listening to my mother and father, it is loud, hectic, and unpredictable.  In here, I am safe, secure, and I get some really fantastic meals.  Despite my limited space, I get plenty of exercise, kicking and punching my walls.  I know what to expect on a day to day basis, and I have gotten quite used to the nonstop blabbing by mother and my idiot father.   All this place needs is a little sprucing up.  Although the space is cramped, I just ordered a nice leather chair from pottery barn, as well as, some decorative wall décor.  By punching in to the payment screen the long string of non-sequential numerals I hear mother using many times a day, I can order goods and services from anywhere in the world. 

 I see myself living here for at least 25 years.  The prison from which I have spent the past nine months trying to escape has been home all along.

 If you need me, you know where to find me.

The Baby’s Plan…Head North

I have spent the last few weeks analyzing my surroundings and I believe I have crafted the ultimate escape plan.  I must apologize that the diagram below is not to scale.  It is very difficult to visualize the vessel in which I currently call home, but I believe my drawing is somewhat accurate.  My plan is to bounce off the bladder, go under the ribcage, through the esophagus, and out the mouth.  I practice bouncing off the bladder as much as I can.  I have also been using my new fingernails to try and dig up.  I have found that the more I push up towards the ribs, the more acid the stomach creates.  I am hoping this acid will travel up and towards the chest burning a path along the way.  This should greatly aid in my escape.

The Plan

There are a few obstacles I must overcome before I begin my journey.  First of all, mommy has started to combat my acid attack with some form of acid controller.  The harder I work to get things going, the harder she works to combat it.  I also have to figure out a way to get out of this bubble I have been living in for the past 32 weeks.  The umbilical cord will also need to come with me, as it is my only source of nutrients.  The biggest problem is the fact that my head is becoming too large and heavy.  This has caused me to invert inside the bubble.  I try and get back to a standing position, but slowly but surely, the weight of this giant, freak head forces me upside down.  I spend a lot of time struggling to get upright, and my struggles are almost becoming futile. 

The fortress continues to shrink, which means if I do not get out soon, I will be stuck upside down, unable to make the journey north.  I believe the two idiots on the outside are aware of my plan because I hear them talking about my arrival.  From what I can gather, I will have a larger space, lots of toys, clothes, food, and everything else needed to survive in this mythical outside world.  Still, it sounds like they are very worried about their ability to care for me, which, frankly, scares the hell out of me.  From what I can gather, they have no idea what they are doing, and are well aware of that fact.  If I can just get out of here, I can take care of myself.  I must begin my journey soon, before it is too late.   My freedom is essential to my survival.

Getting Stronger

Let me start with some positive notes.  Over the past few weeks, my eyesight has been greatly improving.  This has been a great advantage to me, especially as I write this blog.  My mom on the outside has been battling her ice cream habit by increasing her heart rate each day to loud music.  Her movements can be quite jarring as she sits, stands, sprints, and climbs to the beat of the music and a woman barking orders.  I must say, I enjoy the bouncing around, and can see where this could be of some benefit.  Motivated by my mother, and my need to build up my own strength, I have begun my own exercise regimen.  Every day I do as many pushups as I can, followed by pull-ups using my umbilical cord, and topped off with some lunges.  I mark my achievements for the day, and try to break my record the next day.  Next week, I may add bicep curls and dead lifts, again utilizing my umbilical cord.  Things would move a lot faster if I could put all my efforts into a musical montage (Getting Stronger from Rocky); montages do not take a long time, and the end result is always fantastic.  I will need the strength if I am going to have any chance at what I am next considering.

This past week, it has become clear that my world is shrinking.  There is a fluid that has surrounded me for quite some time, which is now steadily declining.  I am not sure if this is contributing to the collapsing of my world, but my ability to remain comfortable has diminished.  Despite kicking and rolling around, I cannot seem to find a comfortable spot to rest.  Over the next few weeks, I am going to study every square inch of this world.  I need to find a vulnerability in the structure that confines me, or some sort of portal to the outside world.  By my calculations, I have about ten weeks before my world is destroyed.  I must find a way out!

I’m An Environmentalist

First of all, I would like to apologize for my two week hiatus from this blog; it can be quite difficult to get a signal from in here. I would like to say that not much has changed, but there have been some significant changes over the last two weeks which require my attention. Although I am attempting to maintain a healthy diet, the gallons of ice cream the woman, to whom I am connected and henceforth will refer to as mother, eats every night has brought on a layer of unneeded and unwanted fat. My only recourse is to kick her, which she strangely seems to enjoy; she often calls the loud man, henceforth known as father, over to mock me. Still if I apply pressure at the right area, I can send mother to the bathroom quite abruptly; I am able to accomplish this feat at least ten times a day, and several more times during the night.

Most of my day is still spent playing with my umbilical cord, kicking mother, rolling around, and surfing the internet. Despite having made no changes to the fortress, it continues to shrink. It is because of this that I am starting to think that this world may not be habitable forever. I will continue to study my habitat and how my existence affects it. It is quite possible that the ice cream I am often fed may be having an adverse effect on the environment. According to mother, it is affecting her physical appearance, but father seems to think that is “crazy talk.” I must discover the cause of these changes or I am surely doomed. My survival depends on either saving the planet, or finding a new one in which to live.

Fortress of Solitude

I think it would be prudent to explain to you that if you are reading this blog to learn some life lesson, you are reading the wrong narrative. You see, my tale is short, for I have not yet been born; it should be noted it was not that long ago that I actually had a tail. In reality, I do not know where I am, how I got here, or what the purpose is of these rapid physical changes I have been experiencing. As far as I can deduce, I have been in this Fortress of Solitude for almost 26 weeks. All I have to occupy my time is this feeding tube, which feeds right into my mid-section, rolling around my kingdom, of which I am the only citizen, kicking the cushy walls, writing on this laptop, and listening to a woman and an very loud man speak from a mythical outside world. From what I can gather, these people are my parents, but I must say they are not doing a very good job of parenting. The woman, who is soft spoken, although she clearly is in charge of this entire operation, seems to be my intellectual equal. The man is very loud, and often seems to make no sense. Based on my observations, I would say he is my intellectual inferior. He seems to spend a lot of time apologizing to the woman, talking about everything and anything, and generally keeping me up most of the time. The woman seems to blame me for a great amount of woes, “this baby is making me fat, I am hungry because of the baby, I am hot because of the baby, my back hurts because of the baby, etc.” It seriously goes on and on, and the complaints are usually followed by an apology from the previously mentioned male. Still, life is peaceful in here. I have plenty of room, plenty of time to myself, and I do enjoy those people on the outside. I hope I never leave this place.